June 24, 2019

The Hiatus

It has been nearly three years since my last post. 

I stopped sharing after the end of the four year relationship that was plastered throughout each page. A relationship that I tried to be grateful for, and used this space to practice gratitude as a way to convince myself it wasn't toxic - yet it was. I wanted to return and document the healthy growth that unfolded, but I couldn't, as this lie I had woven throughout the posts was littered everywhere. I tried, at the time, to delete photos and names - to the best of my ability, and yet... it seemed like I couldn't truly purge this space of his presence unless I were to delete those years I had lived entirely.

I didn't have the heart for that. I had been to so many incredible new places that I still may never return to - I cooked and consumed tasty meals, I hiked my Ozarks, and I reflected on my life. So I removed myself instead and - sadly - stopped documenting the past few amazing years. Now I would like to return - and update you on all the wonderful things I've come by in the time that has passed. I felt I couldn't begin posting until this had been explained, but it is not that I am still hung up on it. Not in the least.  

I will leave it at this: I believed I was in a normal relationship as I'd grown up hearing relationships were hard work - I figured the constant struggles we endured together as a couple were the hard work everyone was talking about. In reality, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who did not treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I wrote here in the rosiest glasses I could muster, pretending all was well and highlighting the good moments. So before I begin documenting my new life, let me tell you: if you are in a similar situation, you will regret the time and energy you wasted, even if it taught you a few good lessons too. Love should not be "hard work." Your happiness can and will be found elsewhere. You have to be strong enough to start over. 

So. Here we go.