July 11, 2016

On Loss

Just after my fourth birthday, my oldest brother Chris died during a climbing accident at age 19. It was my first introduction to death and I didn't really understand it and I don't recall much of this time period at all. I don't have many memories before age 5 but he's in almost all of them.

I've been to lots of funerals, of relatives and family friends. My mother's mother is the only grandparent I have left. I've been to funerals where young people such as my fellow high school students have died. I've been to more funerals than I can remember to count. 

It's actually been a bit since I've been to a funeral. There was a more recent death that was rather hard to stomach... but they didn't really have a service for her; it was one of my favorite clients, who had died in a car crash almost a year after I'd left my job as a behavior intervention specialist. It was incredibly difficult losing someone younger than me, someone I had mentored, someone who had been through so much, someone who'd been so easy to love.  

- - -

This is different from any of that. This morning I learned one of my closest college friends passed away yesterday. I've never felt grief like this before. 

Finding out via Facebook didn't help. The family still not quite knowing what happened didn't help. The fact that I hadn't been able to see him even once in the last three years, no matter my pestering him, didn't help. The fact that there had been no warning, that he had just been posting his silly memes on his Facebook the day before didn't help. The fact that he was so brilliant with so much potential and so, so, so easy to love didn't help. He was loved by all those who met him. 

I'm still in shock and I suppose I'm using this post as a way of processing. I keep switching back and forth between detached and blank-faced to suddenly breaking down and crying again. Ah, there it goes again. 

He was so very special. 

He was my friend. 

I love you, Trent. If there's anyway you're seeing this, please know how deeply we have loved you.

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